As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, it seems that our great and impartial judicial system has deemed Britney Spears unfit for motherhood, meaning that her spawn are currently in the dubious care of their father, K Fed.  I realize that American courts are bogged down due to a grueling caseload burden, but I find it hard to believe that someone of Kevin Federline’s character is an attractive alternative to Britney.  Honestly, I don’t follow celebrity gossip as often as my gender may suggest, but from what I can tell, Ms. Spears hasn’t committed any serious parental faux pas since her divorce.  Yeah, yeah, court imposed demands and drug tests and all that jazz, I know. I still think that the days of dropping her son while taking a swig of vodka appear to be safely past, and the last time I checked, performing badly at the VMAs was hardly cause to revoke your children’s custody. 

But what do I know? Perhaps the judge was a huge “Lose Control” fan.

The more pressing issue at stake right now, however, is not the fate of B Sped’s offspring but in fact what will happen to Britney’s dogs.  Everyone’s favorite asshole organization, PETA, has demanded that the singer also forfeit her ownership of them on the grounds that it’s cruel to separate the children from the canines. 

Yeah. That’s what I thought too.

Now, I’m just about the biggest proponent of treating dogs just as well (if not better) than humans, and this is just unacceptable.  The kids are going to be just as mentally screwed as the rest of us dumb schmucks, but now they want to deliver some innocent dogs into the hands of a man who rewinds footage of his own music video to make it longer?  For shame!  Not to mention that PETA’s argument is utterly ridiculous; wouldn’t it make more sense to leave the dogs with their rightful owner?  Isn’t separating a pet and the person who feeds and cares for it rather counterproductive?

Perhaps PETA’s new war on pet ownership has extended to all legal adults who own canines.  The suspicious absence of the beloved Whistling Dog Man this semester now takes on a sinister slant.  Has he boarded himself up in his home (wherever that may be), sobbing in the corner because his border collies have been shipped off to England to be with their brethren?  Who knows.  I, for one, will continue to pray for you and your furry running mates in your time of need, Whistling Dog Man. We can only hope that one day you are reunited.   continue >>