| by Jessica Beasley | 3/23/07 | 147 views |
According to the Review, UD has lately been plagued with the horror of surplus dorm rooms, thanks to the petite size of the freshmen class. However, I find this rather hard to believe, especially while desperately beating off throngs of people while trying to get on the bus.
If you live on Laird campus, I’m sure you’re also familiar with that light-hearted, hopeful feeling you get when you exit your building and see one of the yellow, blue and white buses merrily approaching, as well as the crushing despair of being told by the driver to get the hell off, it’s full. Even if you manage to claw your way aboard, you must contend with conditions both cramped and downright dangerous.
Since it’s unlikely that the University will be shelling out cash for new buses anytime soon, please partake of this handy survival guide to make your next trip to campus a happier one.
1) Arm yourself. Nothing tells the other potential riders that you mean business like a large, blunt instrument. A baseball bat or lead pipe is ideal for this, but if you own something more serious (e.g. mace, sword, battleaxe, etc.) by all means put it to use! Sadly, the University has a policy against actually hitting anyone with them, but they still remain an effective tool for intimidation purposes. I advise against firearms for the sole reason that educational facilities tend to look down on those.
2) Wear closed toe shoes, preferably with a metal tip. Unless you’re lucky enough to snag one of the coveted forward facing seats, your feet will be stepped on. I repeat, your feet WILL BE STEPPED ON. For minimal damage during this inevitable trampling, make sure to protect your piggies with, at the very least, some sort of tennis shoe. Military issue combat boots are probably your best bet, but for those ladies who want to remain somewhat stylish, wooden clogs are acceptable as well.
3) For those of you who are shorter than average, like myself, you may want to invest in a grappling hook in order to latch onto the metal bars you’re supposed to clutch for dear life during the ride. If you find that you can’t quite get the bar, then sink the hooks into a nearby seat. Attempting to ride without holding onto something is not advisable; the bumps, rattling, and whipping around turns will probably prove fatal.
4) In the event that you get tossed off the bus like a whittled down cigarette, make sure to have some eye drops handy. That way, when you arrive at class, sweaty and teary, the professor will be touched by how distraught you are over missing those crucial first five minutes when everyone mills around waiting for late-comers to show up.
While I admit that this is far from a perfect or complete guide, at least these tips will hopefully get you started in the right direction. Feel free to experiment with them and come up with your own creative, personal touch to getting to campus in the morning. Happy riding!
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