| by anonymous | 5/04/07 | 73 views |
Unless you live in a cave, rabbit hole, or Utah, you know that the movie "Spider-Man 3" opens this week. Acting as the summer 2007 movie season's unofficial starting gun, "Spider-Man 3" is more than likely going to kick major ass at box offices all across the country throughout the weekend. I am far too lazy to look up what the current #1 movie at the box office is right now, but I can guarantee that, come May 7, it will have plummeted from its high perch. Shit, they may as well pull it and all other movies from the theaters now, as the non-"Spider-Man 3" titles out there will be playing to row after row of empty seats.
I and at least five friends plan to see the third installment of Sony Picture's very lucrative film franchise tomorrow evening. Like the rest of our age bracket, my friends and I are eager to see the flick. We are curious as to what Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, and company have in store for us. We are anxious to see the first "Spider-Man" film with not only FOUR villains, but also TWO love interests. I don't know about Peter Parker, but if I had someone who looked like Kirsten Dunst in head-over-heels love with me, NO other female could even come CLOSE to penetrating my level of interest. I don't care if it's Bryce Dallas Howard or not; if I were Parker and found myself in some sort of situation where I was forced to make a choice between the two, I'd simply go to the video store, rent "Bring It On," and have my decision made for me (probably once the cheerleader-intensive film's car wash scene concluded). I mean, is it really THAT hard to decide? You can have a cheerleader who, according to the first "Spider-Man" film, chooses NOT to wear a bra when it rains...or the daughter of fucking OPIE.
Anyhow, another aspect of "Spider-Man 3" that piques my curiosity is exactly how it is going to directly affect the life of either me or one of my friends. I base this rather odd sentiment on outings to the premieres of the first two "Spider-Man" movies in years past. BOTH outings resulted in somewhat disastrous events that affected the lives of two different friends of mine.
For the sake of privacy, I will refer to each of the friends involved by nothing more than the first letter of their first names. And since two of my friends...the very two who act as the stars of the following tales, no less...have names that begin with the letter B, I will refer to them as "B1" and "B2." Confidentiality is important. So is ensuring that I don't get my ass kicked for using real names in rather embarrassing stories on the Internet.
SPIDEY STORY I: A PUNCHY TUNE
It was early May of 2002. In fact, if Wikipedia is any indication, it was exactly five years prior to the date I wrote this article (May 3, 2007). The time had come for the very first "Spider-Man" movie to hit theaters. Unsurprisingly, it did so with a bang, shattering all sorts of box office records during its run. Sure, these days it can be found on the "Buy2, Get 1 Free!" rack of DVDs at GameStop, but at the time, it was HUGE.
A very excited yours truly (me) crammed into an overcrowded theater with four friends: B1, B2, and J and S; the latter two were (and actually still are) a couple. Needless to say, the five of us enjoyed each and every frame of the flick, even those that contained last-minute edits due to the then-recent 9/11 attacks in New York. I mean, come on: Spidey ending the movie by swinging around an American flag atop the Empire State Building? You can't GET any more obvious than that.
Once the movie concluded, 99% of the audience got up and began the mass exodus towards the door as the lengthy list of credits rolled on the screen behind them. J and S joined these people.
I, B1, and B2 did not.
See, B1 had read on the Internet that the "Spider-Man" theme song from the old cartoon series was going to be used somewhere in the film. Since the actual movie featured not even a bar of said tune, B1 immediately concluded that it must be one of the songs scheduled to play over the end credits. He was intent on not leaving that theater until he heard that classic song broadcast over genuine movie theater speakers.
He couldn't care less what J and S, or even B2 and I, for that matter, did. We could leave, we could stay. It didn't matter. All he asked (meaning "demanded") was that we remain completely and utterly silent as the song played. Seeing as how he splurged for concessions during the previews, B2 and I obliged. B2 went further and followed his vow of silence with the statement, "Dude, you are really fucking pathetic."
Whatever pop song that played over the first 3/4 of the credit crawl eventually ended. A short silence followed it. Then...
"Spider-Man, Spider-Man!
Does Whatever a Spider Can..."
B2 and I were amused at the song's inclusion. B1 was damn near tears.
By now, you've probably figured out that J and S were not aware of B1's desires. And that is why J decided to shoot for the Grand Prize Award for Worst-Ever Timing.
Wondering where the rest of our little party was, J re-entered the theater and squeezed back into the row. Since B1 was the first one J encountered, he was presented with the obligatory "What are you doing? Let's go!"
B1, totally oblivious to anything that wasn't currently playing over the speakers, idly tried to shoo J away. In doing so, he accidentally (so he claimed) punched her directly in the nose.
You read that right. Punched HER. J is a FEMALE friend...who had just received a punch to the schnozz by B1, who is rather male.
J made a quick yet painful exit as B1, B2, and I watched the remainder of the credits. As the last few notes of the theme song faded into oblivion, B1 turned to us and uttered, "Dude, I think I just punched J in the face."
We exited the theater, where J and S were waiting for us.
B1 was overly apologetic; however, in between his repeated "I'm sorrys" and "I didn't mean its", he defended his action. "You shouldn't have bothered me while the Spider-Man song was on! That's half the reason I wanted to see this movie!"
B2 and I were equally amused and embarrassed. We were essentially guilty by association with B1...but, at the same time, relieved beyond relief that neither of us had just punched a girl who weighed considerably less than us.
J was tending to her swollen nose; her whole face was a deep shade of red, no doubt resulting from the pain, resulting tears, and resulting anger towards B1.
As for S? He did nothing. Seriously: nothing whatsoever. He didn't tend to J (or so we think). He didn't yell and scream at B1 (we know this for a fact). He just stood there.
Yeah, it was a WHILE before J hung around us again. To this very day, B1 (claims that he) feels absolutely horrible about the whole thing.
Yet he still stands by his snap decision.
SPIDEY STORY II: WE HAVE TO TALK...NO WE DON'T!
It was almost two years later. "Spider-Man 2" was set to beat the holy shit out of any and all 2004 releases that were cursed with late spring/early summer release dates. Needless to say, the much-awaited sequel completely pwn3d box office records again, many of which were set by...the first "Spider-Man."
On the film's opening night, I found myself at the theater with B2, his then-girlfriend K, and his sister L. I guess we thought that our previous outing to a "Spider-Man" movie in mixed company that ended in quasi-disaster was an isolated incident. Plus, B1 was not in tow this time.
As was the case with its predecessor, we all enjoyed "Spider-Man 2" immensely. Hell, I and a handful of movie critics liked it even better than the first one; some were referring to it as the best comic book adaptation to ever hit a movie screen. And, if I remember correctly, B2 and I shared a knowing laugh during one scene, which featured a street performer singing an a cappella version of the "Spider-Man" theme song. We both knew that J would have winced out of instinct had she been present.
After the film ended, we headed out, opting not to watch the sequel's credit crawl. B2 and I spent the duration of the drive between the theater and his girlfriend's house discussing the movie and predicting what was in store for Part 3. Upon arrival, B2 walked K to her door and got back into the car. I figured the first words out of his mouth upon re-entry were going to continue our earlier discussion. Instead, L and I heard:
"I'm dumping her ass."
"Why?," I inquired.
"Because she fucking tried to talk and cuddle with me during the movie! You don't do that kind of shit during Spider-Man! Maybe during the crappy girl movies she drags me to, but not this one! I actually WANT to see Spider-Man!"
And true to his word, the union ended not too long after that.
It was official: the "Spider-Man" franchise had effectively destroyed a romantic relationship.
Eerily, a girl talking during the movie was what instigated the incident...again.
EPILOGUE
Both B1 and B2 have since moved away from the area. Amazingly, they have both since entered into rather serious relationships; hell, B1's was so serious that it blossomed into marriage and produced a child.
Sadly, I won't be able to attend "Spider-Man 3" with either of the Bs, so I won't be there to witness any negative effects it may have on their respective relationships. This scares me in a way, for does it mean that I am next? Will the latter portion of the 2000-2010 decade produce a third "Spidey Story"? Will my relationship with one (or more) of my female friends be forever altered once the credits for "Spider-Man 3" begin to roll? Shit, two of tomorrow's six attendees are of the female persuasion! I guess we never learn.
Only time will tell, I suppose.
     
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University of Delaware
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