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The Best Movie Ever
| by Jessica Beasley | 9/08/07 | 52 views |
I had this entire rant all written up Thursday night about how shitty it is to drive--and worse, park--in the campus and surrounding area, when a friend called and invited me over to watch a film she'd ordered from Netflix called "Entrails of a Virgin." I don't know how many of you out there are Cannibal Corpse fans, but you may recognize this title as it is adapted for one of their songs, which supposedly was inspired by this film. Due to that fact alone, I was intrigued and rather excited to see it (along with the fact that I have a rather baby's-head-like softness for extreme Japanese movies).
After viewing "Entrails...", I highly recommend this film, except perhaps if you are a religious fundamentalist of some kind; seriously, even if you hate Japan with a passion and get queasy at the sight of ketchup, you just won't understand this movie until you see it for yourself.
Right about here would be where I'd normally describe the plot, but "Entrails..." takes a new, bold stance to film-making in that it completely does away with plot. Not in the sense of an art film meant to evoke some sort of surrealism or anything, but more like the way a porn or low-budget horror flick just completely discards any semblance of story in favor of shock value. But even this comparison fails to describe this little cinematic jewel, because "Entrails..." lacks both realistic sex scenes (despite their frequency) and believable gore.
So instead I'll briefly summarize what occurs on screen: a model and her work entourage are conducting a photo shoot out in the Japanese boonies, where the camo-clad camera man barks orders and snaps shot after shot of the model posing provocatively beneath a plywood rainbow. This scene, which I swear must last for the first 45 minutes or so, is interspersed with agonizingly drawn out sequences of the camera man and who we thought was the model having the most boring, unconvincing sex ever, while the girl yaps like a small dog you'd find in Paris Hilton's purse. If you're the kind of person who hates to read subtitles, you'll find yourself reevaluating their merits when you turn the volume off completely to save yourself from the uninspired and decidedly unsexy squeaking emanating from the "actress."
Following this grueling endeavor, the team packs up and begins to drive home through the conveniently placed creepy woodland in what the characters describe as a "dense fog" but which really looks like someone left a smoke machine running off screen. Suddenly, an unknown assailant tosses a coat at the windshield, forcing the lecherous company boss to slam on the breaks. He and the young guy whose job I couldn't ascertain investigate for a full thirty seconds before bitching about hitting animals and then going on their merry way.
The camera cuts to a large form rising out of the mud ala the old Goosebumps movies you watched as a kid.
For an unexplained but obviously contrived purpose, the group decides to shack up for the night in a dilapidated old house that just so happens to be by the roadside. Everyone has a dinner of millet (which they steal from the house's pantry) and gets smashed on sake, while Mr. Sexual-Harassment-Suit-Waiting-to-Happen drags one of the make-up girls into another room to essentially rape her. But this doesn't happen until after the random naked wrestling scene between one of the guys and the model. The match is decided by a pile driver, which causes the latter to urinate all over herself and pass out, while the former has a little moral hissy fit and goes outside to throw the van keys into the woods like a douche.
Here "Entrails..." changes things up a bit, as we see a large, hairy humanoid wipe mud across its chest and lumber up to the pissy little emo bitch and hit him in the head with a hammer. For whatever reason, Director Gaira decided that the downswing should take a full three-minutes, during which he inserts a bunch of random images of things being hit with hammers (like meat, for example, or eggs) . I have to admit that this tactic does actually create quite a bit of suspense...only for the film to ruin it when the weapon does connect and we have to watch a replica of the man's head made out of what appears to be Play-doh splatter all over the lens.
Back inside, we're treated to yet another seemingly endless array of awkward non-sex with less than consenting women (one of which is a virgin, hence the title) which leads to the various characters getting killed in incredibly stupid fashions. Mudman also gets in on the action, raping and then abandoning one girl (who shortly thereafter is decapitated by a falling sign) and killing off the obnoxious male characters.
The model, shortly after waking up from her mini-coma, goes completely insane for no apparent reason and tries to seduce Mudman, only to have him reach in and yank out her intestines through her birth canal, hence the title (which makes no sense as Ms. Model is by no means a virgin).
The legitimate virgin (who is "ruined" by the cameraman literally all over the house before the end of the movie) survives only to be cornered in a tool shed, where she begs the muddy demon, who looks suspiciously like a stereotypical white American male, not to kill her. Instead, he rapes her while waxing poetic about his supposed immortality and we're treated to the lovely metaphorical image of someone pouring milk onto a slab of raw beef.
The final scene is the once-virgin make-up girl several months later, distended to an impossible degree, and musing over how simultaneously scared and excited she is to be bearing the demon-spawn. Then volcanoes erupt around her. The End.
Despite the lengthy description I've provided, I haven't even delved into all the charming moments in the film, such as when the crazy model masturbates with the dead lecher's dismembered arm or when the non-virgin make-up girl burps up what looks like the liquid equivalent of nine or ten hot glue sticks after a sixty-nine that is incredibly uncomfortable to watch. Everything except for the women's masculine chests is blurred out, too, if I haven't already mentioned that.
So if you have some free time and want to watch some really awful soft-core porn with a side of bad special effects, check out "Entrails of a Virgin." You'll experience a lot of emotions, but boredom definitely will not be one of them.
     
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