| by Jessica Beasley | 11/02/06 | 631 views |
Well, I suppose that first of all I should preface my diatribe by saying that this article, while not completely facetious, is all in good fun and not to be taken (too) seriously. Also, I've noticed lately that humor websites I like to frequent (not least of all Collegehumor.com) view the world from a very male perspective; there's nothing wrong with that at all, in fact I support it, but there's a whole other side to female life of which men have not an inkling...plus it really puts me out of things when the writer is constantly talking about attracting hot girls. Only sometimes, though.
So, in short, let's show the world that we ladies can be pretty funny too, eh?
Alright, so on to the actual article here.
Well, my old roommate asked for it, and I hate to disappoint a fan of my anger, so here it is. My all out opinion on the state of adolescent males in contemporary culture, and how it seems that they are becoming steadily more feminine.
So. Before we begin to assess the damage done to masculinity, let's look back to previous thoughts on what it means to be masculine in American culture. Traditionally, the guy who was most successful with the ladies and in life was usually the jock or the "bad boy" (most often the lead guitar and vocalist of a rock band). From this we can infer that women were attracted to strong, muscluar, athletic men who also were talented at music, had a cool car, and their parents wouldn't like. Why? I'll break it down:
strong, muscular, athletic = sex appeal, characteristics of a good mate with whom to have offspring and can provide for a family
talented at music = generic hobby that shows personality and common ground on which to communicate
cool car = money, ability to provide for
parents don't like = means of obtaining independence and breaking with the family unit in order to create a new one
Not that I agree with the fact that jocks and bad boys should get everything (in fact, I hate the whole "date him to piss off my daddy" mentality), but at least they were at least somewhat set apart from women.
Today, it seems that women just want other women wrapped up in a phallice wielding package. When left to their own devices, men generally do not enjoy talking about their day when nothing of note has occured, shopping for clothes, sharing their feelings, or even, to many's chagrin, cuddling (the latter is more of an observation about social culture, but basically what I'm saying is that men are inculturated not to have copious amounts of physical contact. Women, on the other hand, are always hugging and kissing and such so it seems much more natural to them). As I've noted before, it's rather odd that two genders tailor made to be mates are so adversely raised. Men may put up with these things out of compromise, which there's nothing wrong with since women much more often make sacrifices for the sake of men.
But the emo boys. Yes, yes, I'm getting there.
It seems in the last five years or so, a strange revolution has occured. The guys everyone used to beat up on the playground are suddenly the heartthrobs of the pre- and newly post-pubescent female demographic. Suddenly you're not cool unless you have something to whine and moan about; anorexia, suicide, and crying are in vouge. Personally, I blame the influx of wimpy, girly frontmen in emo bands that swooped in to fill the vacuum left by classic rock and roll of the late 80s and early 90s. The idolization of the singing lead guitarist is still there...it's just that the testosterone (as well as the musical talent) are absent. These days a girl will pretty much give it up for anything with a guitar and a mopey expression. Provided, of course, he weighs under 100 lbs and has dyed all the hair on his body either platinum blonde or jet black. Scratch that last comment; most of these kids don't have body hair, we'll just refer to the hair on one's head.
Now that we've hypothesized a possible cause for this, let's review some of the major elements to what is currently considered to be a "hot guy." There are two main models: the "faux surfer" who tries to tell everyone he is a stoner, but a classy (read: snobbish) one; and the "punk 4eva" borderline goth boys who don't eat. Of course, these are not the only two, but they are at polar extremes and yet have many similarities. Most guys I'm referring to fall somewhere between these two.
Faux Surfer:
* head will be dominated by unruly flaxen curls not unlike my own, which will either extend straight out of the top of the skull or be pulled into a pony tail. A flat brimmed sports cap featuring a team the wearer has never watched play is optional, but if used, must be worn to the side.
* all shirts will feature some sort of girly graphic and/or will be collared. The collar must be flipped up just so at all times, and the color will ideally be pink, but purple is also acceptable. In addition, this shirt must be from either Abercromie, Hollister, or Pacific Sunwear and must cost 3x more money than its actual worth.
* pants are either stone washed jeans flaring out at the bottom, or generic brown shorts with all the ties and pockets and weird perpetual wrinkling
* since these guys are "surfers" nothing but flip flops will do as footwear. Despite the most adverse weather conditions, they will never fail to wear them. They also must be made of brown leather or tan suede, though beading and little shells are optional
* may be muscular, but in terms of practical strength, they are more disadvantaged than their girlfriends.
Punk 4eva:
* head is always covered by trucker hat whose color is found somewhere in the neon rainbow. Hair must be as black and greasy as possible, and for best results, try to comb bangs into the eyes
* shirt will feature three-quarter length sleeves and, like the Grinch's heart, will be three sizes too small, creating the illusion of a second cotton skin. There may be a graphic on the tee or a suggestive saying, but many times they are just solid colors to show off the boy's beautiful nipples. The shirt will also be too short and show a great deal of skin/back whenever the wearer raises his arms.
* just like the faux surfers never remove their filp flops, punks 4eva don the same cuffed, dark colored stretch jeans no matter what nature is doing outside. Like the shirt, these jeans will be several sizes too small, most likely to highlight their asses in some sort of twisted mating ritual. Legs are what are traditionally referred to as "chicken legs" or "kicker for the football team" legs.
* to complete the ensemble, the punk 4eva will finish out his look with chucks sneakers and liberal application of dark makeup
So there you have the breakdown of why emo boys seem to be here to stay. If you need to review any points discussed, just scroll up. And yes, this will be on the test.
Hopefully I didn't offend anyone by pointing out the hilarity of truth (though as this is the internet, I realize that someone somewhere will inevitably get upset over it), and to your delight or dismay I'm sure I'll have plenty of campy things to say in the future.
Thank you and good evening.
     
|
University of Delaware
)
