The internet, I’ve found, is like playing Russian roulette with a revolver loaded with five bullets.  Every single time I open Firefox I realize that I’m exposing myself to the very worst aspects of humanity: pedophiles, Goths, pathetic nerds and people obsessed with their cats lurk around every URL, waiting to pounce on me with their own retarded brand of attention whoring.

Which brings me to the subject of today’s rant: Furries.

Usually when I write these kinds of articles I worry that I’m alienating some part of the intended demographic, but in this case I think I can confidently let loose my opinions.  Why?  Because I have never, ever met anyone who didn’t hate Furries (with a capital F!) who wasn’t one themselves.  And quite frankly, I don’t think anyone would mind if I chase them away.

For the blissfully uninitiated, a Furry is someone (usually between the ages of 13 and 18) who likes to imagine that they have an animal persona that is basically an idealized version of themselves.  They also love to dress up as said “fursona” and have sex with other like-minded people in cartoonish animal costumes.  As an extra added bonus, most Furries like to immortalize these encounters in art that will strike the viewer blind.  I know, I know.  If I don’t agree/like it, I don’t have to look at it, right?  Wrong.  In Furrydom, if you aren’t part of them, you’re against them.  No one is ever quietly anti-Furry as far as they’re concerned. Every single person on the internet is specifically out to get them for being a step above bestiality. Because you may think that dressing up like Bugs Bunny and bumping uglies with Mickey Mouse is sort of silly makes you a BIGOT. Why don’t you like that I masturbate to erotic pictures of my cat, BIGOT?  Are you uncomfortable with the idea of my love juices drying into a hardened crust all over the hot pink fur of my Starlight Meadows Moonshine costume, BIGOT?  Why do you hate homosexuals, you dirty BIGOT?

Where did being gay come into the argument?  I don’t know either.

As you can imagine, this sort of harassment gets rather old unsurprisingly quickly when you’re trying to go about your business online, whatever that may entail.  Never mind that ninety percent of the time a Furry is just a newly pubescent pop culture junkie who has gotten into some wacky hobby just to piss off his or her parents and is slandering you in a shameless bid for attention.

They are a people of pain.

You should keep in mind that there are a few Furries out there that are tolerable and know the meaning of the words “moderation” and “inside voice.”  There are also some Furries who are fantastic artists, which is a shame because their work gasps for feeble breaths underneath a landslide of shitty pictures of dragon penises.  Sometimes it makes me stop and consider feeling bad because a small minority of alright people are cursed with the burden of legions of stupidity.    continue >>