| by Beth Blankenship | 4/21/08 | 89 views |
It’s late, you’ve been partying, and you aren’t exactly sober. Sound familiar? We’ve all been there. Now let’s say there’s a cop looking your way as you stumble on down the road. You try to play it cool, one foot in front of the other while looking straight ahead, but you know that pig saw you. What do you do, you ask? We’ve got you covered. Here’s five easy-to-remember ways to avoid cops while seeking the nearest bush to puke in.
#5: Use their own tricks against them! Statistics show that 94% of the time police officers will conduct field sobriety tests. We say: surprise the shit out of them. If you just start touching your nose, reciting the alphabet and walking in a straight line while passing the po-po, they’ll be too impressed to stop you. Though your breath may reek of booze, you will at least look the epitome of sober. Guaranteed.
#4: Donuts. It’s difficult to spit made game at a party while hiding a dozen fragile pastries on your person, and even harder not to devour them in your intoxicated state. But persevere! Everyone knows that policemen love those round, doughy little cakes. TV always shows cops eating donuts, and TV never lies. A donut is a way to a policeman’s heart, and your way out of being arrested. Trust in the donuts, blowjobs only work in porno.
#3: Don’t speak English. You’re a confused foreigner, and stumbling is the common form of locomotion in your culture. If you don’t know a foreign language, don’t worry. Just improvise and make noises that sound like they may be words. Or, if you took a language in school, feel free to throw some of those babies into the mix of mumbo-jumbo. The last thing you’ll look like is a drunken mumbler, especially if you really get committed and start acting out a whole story from the “homeland”.
#2: The covert roll. Never, ever, underestimate the power of the covert roll! If you see a cop coming your way and you panic and forget the first three helpful hints, just do as the ninjas do and somersault behind the first house, bush, sign, or group of people you see. Once you’re out of sight, the policeman will totally forget about you. They won’t want to waste their time trying to track down someone with such obvious ninja abilities. It would only result in a world of never ending butt-hurt.
#1: If all of the above fail, which is rare, rely on old faithful—alcohol poisoning. Fall down, have a seizure, faint, foam at the mouth, etc. The cop will have no choice but to call in the paramedics, who probably won’t believe your episode was a joke, and jam about three I.V.’s into your arm. But hey, the woo-wooing ambulance sirens and a free night in the hospital are much better than jail. And besides, saline at 30ccs an hour is the Cadillac of hangover cures.
So there you have it. The top 5 ways to avoid cops. So go out, party the night away, and make those bad decisions. You’ll never go wrong with these fail-safe instructions. Also, to expand your evasive behaviors, make up an “avoid-a-cop” bag to take with you on all your party-hardy adventures. Just throw in some donuts, a map of your "foreign homeland", sunglasses with the nose and mustache mask as to hide your underage-ness, and finally some garlic and onion paste to really cover up that alcohol breath. Good luck kids, and remember, if you do get caught, point to all your friends so the cop knows that they’ve been drinking with you. The only thing worse than a misdemeanor is a lonely misdemeanor.
     
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University of Delaware
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