These days you really can’t be too careful around the hulking, frightening visages of what are commonly known as “Townies.”  Whether stealing books from the library or showing up unannounced and uninvited to an off-campus party, a student should know the proper precautions and last resorts for dealing with these violent and unpredictable beasts.

We will start by defining what exactly a Townie is; contrary to popular belief, the denotation does not simply break down to any person who lives in the area in which a college is located.  There are plenty of people who live in the town who are not connected to the university and are perfectly agreeable, productive, quality people.  Townies, however, fall into the 16-30 age group, are unemployed, and 90% of the time, are addicted to an illegal substance.  They also apparently have no regard for their personal appearance, and appear to take pride in their slovenly ways.  Dirty oversized t-shirts, tattoos displaying the coat of arms of a gang not sanctioned by the American prison system, and 7 o’clock shadow are all tell-tale physical features of a Townie.

Now that you know what to look for, we will explore the options available to you should you cross paths with a Townie:

1. Retreat

This is the most effective as well as the safest way to deal with a Townie. Since it’s likely the only contact you’ll have with one will be in a party atmosphere, use the environment to your advantage.  Surging crowds of intoxicated people will frazzle the three or less brain cells a Townie has and in his confusion, make your escape.  Even if he attempts to pursue you, flee and do not look back; a few innocent bystanders get injured along the way. But it is a price that must be paid.  Don’t concern yourself with collateral damage.

2. Outsmart

Most Townies are quick to anger and often assume others are poking fun at them even when in reality nothing of the sort is occurring. Therefore, I’ve found that spewing random, often trivial knowledge to confuse one is a fairly easy tactic.  Just say whatever comes to mind and sounds intellectual; your facts need not be accurate.  And hey, when else are you going to use that useless knowledge about Cambodia you memorized for that test last week?

3. Fight

If you have stiff pride that keeps you from using more devious methods (or mace, the original Townie-spray), you could always challenge him to fisticuffs.  However, this is an ultimate last resort, because most Townies are not only physically large, but often armed as well with a knife if not a firearm.  In addition, Townies tend to travel in packs, and if you think he won’t use his posse to his advantage, you are sorely mistaken.  My best advice in this circumstance is to gather your own troops. Or hit below the belt and run.   continue >>