Friends, I come to you this time not to go off on a spirited diatribe, but rather to share with you one of the most surreal pieces of writing I’ve ever stumbled across on the Internet.

I don’t know how many of you (though I dare to wager not many) are familiar with Ulli’s Roy Orbison in Clingfilm Website, but if you haven’t yet been there, I recommend it highly.  While my absolute favorite is the tale set in space, make sure you read the original story first to get a feel for the rest of the site. Do not scoff at Ulli’s simplistic web design, which I find rather refreshing in this day and age, where every idiot who learns the HTML tag to embed MIDI songs into a webpage does so with reckless abandon.  The main entertainment value of the site however lies not with its appearance but rather with its content:  several stories chronicling a mysterious and possibly unhinged narrator’s obsession with wrapping Roy Orbison in clingfilm (which, for those of you who are not from the U.K., is Saran Wrap).

I kid you not.

As you can see from this excerpt, Ulli’s writing is just as hauntingly austere as his webpage:

“'Mind you, people do not realize how much is on each roll.  I bet that with a single roll alone I could wrap you up entirely.'

Roy Orbison sits impassively like a monochrome Buddha.  My palms are sweaty.

'I will take that bet,' says Roy.  'If you succeed I will give you tickets to my new concert.  If you fail I will take Jetta, as a lesson to you not to speak boastfully.'

I nod. 'So then. If you will please to stand.'

Roy stands. 'Commence.'

I start at the ankles and work up.  I am like a spider binding him in my gossamer web.  I do it tight with several layers.  Soon Roy Orbison stands before me, completely wrapped in cling-film. The pleasure is unexampled.

'You are completely wrapped in cling-film,' I say.”

In spite of the short, simplistic sentences, Ulli is able to completely unnerve the reader with the use of a few well-placed SAT words and European charm.  I am not the only one to be entranced by his yarns, however, since it seems that someone has seen fit to publish his work in a book.   continue >>